My friend Zeenat sits at her computer somewhere in Hong Kong (or is it Qatar?) and sends out compilations of the weirdest stuff you could ever hope to read.
Here's what I found in my inbox today, and it's a good thing I'd already finished drinking my tea, coz otherwise I could've easily choked, or suffered severe tea-burns.
Thank you, Zeenat :)
English is not an easy language. Something that's close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
Signs and Notices:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.
"Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.
"Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.
"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.
"ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.
"SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.
"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.
"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.
"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.
"Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.
"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.
"Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.
"Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo.
"This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo.
"Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo.
To everyone of the use, Laundromat.
Many people use a Laundromat. Let's comply with the next item to use it for the cleanness safety.
1. Let's read the explanation of the way of using it well, and use the washing machine, the dryness machine properly.
2. Let's wash a hand well before and after a wash.
3. Don't wash the person who get's an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.
4. Don't wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.
5. Let's bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.
6. Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency.
-- Instructions on the wall of the laundry room in a hotel in Tokyo.
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.
"Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office.
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.
"Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.
"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.
"Please take one step forward and crap twice." -- A sign in a temple in China.
"Figure Out Fare Office" -- A sign on a small wooden house at a bus station in Laos.
"Dresses for street walking." -- A sign outside a Paris dress shop.
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- A sign in a Rhodes tailor shop.
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -- A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.
"It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
"Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -- A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers.
"Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency.
"We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office.
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.
"Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance.
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo.
"For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service." -- A sign in a Hong Kong supermarket.
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel.
"Warning: Please do not leave children unattended. We are not responsible for lost children or injuries." -- A sign by an apparently dangerous koi pond in a Chinese Restaurant.
"WARNING: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and IS THE LAW for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!" -- A sign on tables in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
"Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.
"Billiards and Snocker" -- A sign in a pool hall in Ingolstadt, Germany.
"Cramp Heads" -- On a box of clamp heads from Japan.
"Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan.
"Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn.
"You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.